Hopefully we are all over the bombshell that was dropped on us in June of this year…. Cap’n Crunch isn’t a Captain, he’s a commander. Now that we all realize part of our childhood was a lie, we can move on and get back to eating some Commander Crunch, which I admit doesn’t have quite the same ring Cap’n does.
In today’s market of snack food for children (or nostalgic 30-somethings) companies are turning everything into some form for bar. You can get oatmeal in a square bar, Count Chocula in a rectangular bar or even 1/3rd of your fiber from a bar that doesn’t taste like cardboard. Given all these bars, it’s no question the Cap’n had to be included.
I didn’t know these existed under a recent trip to the grocery store. I’ve been getting a little tired of Cliff Bars (all of the two flavors I like) for my afternoon snack, so I decided to switch it up and try both of the available Cap’n bars. While I understood there was no way this could have any nutritional value like a Cliff Bar does (which I don’t even think is true, those things taste too good to be any good for you) I just wanted them to taste as good as childhood (and recent) memories of eating the cereal.
I am…. disappointed, is probably the word. First off, for 110 calories, these things are tiny. Really, really small. I guess that’s to be expected, because how else would they be able to get little balls of sugar to stick together to then be covered with more sugar (frosting) to 110 calories.
Size aside, they really don’t taste that good, either. The Crunchberry variety is the winner of the too because it has the fake berry flavor kick you would expect it to, but it feels like too much is missing when these things aren’t floating in milk. The frosting on the Crunchberry bar is a white substance made of HFCS that is vaguely sweet but has no discernible flavor.
Next up is the Peanut Butter Crunch bar. Cap’n’s peanut butter cereal is one of my favorites from childhood which I think has held up well through my 31 years of life. I still love the stuff and peanut butter and chocolate is the best combination of anything, anywhere throughout history, space and time. There was no way Quaker could mess this up.
Way to mess this up, Quaker. The cereal in the bar has no flavor, I am not even sure that they are actually Peanut Butter Crunch balls. Does the absence of milk make them inedible? I’m not sure, but this is about the most bland abomination of peanut butter and chocolate ever made that has crossed my taste-buds. It’s dry, flavorless and the chocolate drizzle doesn’t even taste like chocolate.
It’s probably a little sad that I expected these to at least taste as good as any thing made of sugared oats could be, but I love the Cap’n’s cereals so I hoped for an extension of that. Instead I got nearly flavorless bars packing a lot of calories for the size and a tarnished image of a childhood legend.